I’m afraid when I posted my last blog on 2013 (non)goals and weight loss, I may have sounded a bit apathetic. And truthfully, I kind of was last week. I tend to get a little “woe is me”/”my life is ending” when I sit around and do nothing all day.
haha so wrong.
Now that I’m back at work, I’m obviously feeling a bit more like myself again. I can actually think rationally and am feeling more motivated – which has been wonderful! It’s amazing how run down and worn out I was feeling right before Christmas, and now I’m feeling totally restored and back to normal.
Getting back to the gym and tracking my food has probably helped with that as well….
Anyway, I’m still not setting goals for 2013, but I’m feeling a little more organized and motivated to make some changes that I’ve been working on the last week. And most of these changes have to do directly with weight loss.
Okay I’ll admit, I lied when I said I didn’t care if I got to my goal weight this year. Truthfully, I’m dying to lose the last 35 pounds I have and get there. However, I have been really afraid that A) I’ll never get there and B) I’m going to burn myself out.
The truth is, I put SO much work into my fitness this last summer, and honestly I’ve lost some of it. That makes me really hate myself, but it’s also just a fact of life at this point. I’ve accepted that this happened and that it was best for it to happen.
In August and September, I worked REALLY hard at losing weight and was working out 5 days a week after work. And it paid off, I lost about 8 pounds the first 6 weeks of my internship and finally got under 200 and stayed there (and haven’t been back up since). But I was EXHAUSTED. I couldn’t keep my eyes open during the day, I couldn’t remember my own name at times, my brain was racing all day long and I couldn’t function well enough to keep everything going in my life. I was slamming caffeine and felt “fuzzy” brained all.day.long. I got to the point where one day I couldn’t make it through a 60 minute body pump class because I almost puked/fainted 30 minutes in.
Looking back, I was pushing way too hard. It was pointed out to me that I spend all day on my feet and therefore, I don’t need to go kill it in the gym at night. At least not right now, when my main priority is my internship and getting a job. And yeah – at that time I was losing weight, but I did not have quality of life and I was not setting myself up to be a successful intern.
I backed off in October and not surprisingly, I lost some of my fitness and I lost some muscle and I didn’t lose weight as quickly – but I started to feel human again. I was able to perform in my internship and feel like myself. At that point, I cut out a lot of the extras in my life that were nice to have, but were ultimately detracting from higher priority things.
Obviously I have a healthy lifestyle now. I can maintain my weight with no problem and I can likely lose weight very slowly naturally. However, to get to my goal weight – I have to put some more effort in. I was obviously putting too much effort in during August/September and burning out. I have been afraid to try to lose weight again, because I never want to feel that non-functioning again in my life, so I’ve just been cruising through life the last few months – working out when I can, not focusing on strength training, not always tracking my food, etc.
Between being sick in December and taking a month off exercise, the new year (with all it’s new motivation) and having some honest conversations with myself – I realize now that I think I’m capable of balancing the true effort of weight loss with my current life. But in a healthy way.
So that’s what I’m trying to get to. I sat down and had a TRUE conversation with Matt about the struggles of fitting it in all in, but he just encouraged me to try and to make it all a priority. I’ve made a few changes this last week to make weight loss a priority, but to also retain my sanity.
1) I decided to start picture blogging EVERY meal that I eat away from home on my food blog. I (for the most part) have my act together at home, so I won’t be blogging those meals (though I sometimes instagram stuff). Because I eat out every day at work and I’ve always leaned towards eating out when I’m tired/really hungry/really busy/whatever – I think picture blogging will help me overall eat out less, and specifically encourage me to make good choices when I do eat out.
2) I’ve started the Beck Diet Solution 6 week program. I am planning (someone remind me of this) to blog about this experience once the 6 weeks is over. We recommended this book over and over again in outpatient counseling and I’ve decided that no matter what – reading and following the program is going to benefit me either professionally or personally (or hopefully both). I’m never comfortable recommending a food/book/program without doing it – so I wanted to do this to know.
And so far, I’m a week in and it’s been very helpful in re-aligning my mindset specifically to “weight loss” rather than overall “healthy living”.
3) I’m making fitness a priority. I should say, with the caveat that I don’t need to kill myself in the gym when I’m leaving work every day with 7,000-9,000 steps already on my fitbit. But I am packing that gym bag every day, rather than just some days, and knowing that if I have an opportunity to go to the gym, I’m going to take it – even if I’m bored out.of.my.mind. right now not being able to do group exercise.
Matt also really encouraged me to go to group exercise if it’s available when I’m there and even if I can only make it through 30 minutes before I’m too run down. So far, my schedule hasn’t allowed me to – but we will see.
Overall, I’m just committing myself to lose weight again. I think when you’ve been losing weight for a long time and you’ve made the lifestyle changes, you get really comfortable with your habits. It’s easy to lose the weight loss mindset, so I’m working on getting it back.
And I think a BIG part in getting to my goal weight is really opening up about my weight loss, both on here and in my real life. I’m rather closed about weight loss on my personal facebook, with my friends and family, etc. And now that I’ve hit the 50# weight loss mark, I’m constantly hearing compliments and comments from people – so it’s time that I really be open and honest about it so I can get these last 35 pounds off.
Am I going to hit my goal weight this year? I don’t know – but I’m sure going to try and I’m feeling really inspired to do it. I know that it’s not my #1 priority right now, but I can definitely work a little harder than I have been working. I’ve already got the lifestyle down, it’s just a matter of tweaking it a bit to make sure I’m losing and not maintaining.